What the LDS church is, in its essence, is its own facade.
You can doubt as much as you want, as long as you don’t show it,
Or cause doubt for others,
You uphold the facade.
You can be as gay as you want, as long as you don’t show it,
As long as you don’t look, or “act” gay.
You uphold the facade.
You can feel conflicted at your core over LDS beliefs & practices,
as long as you don’t show it,
You uphold the facade.
…and so on…
Observable behaviors that uphold the facade are prized by the Mormon organism & organization,
Those that do not, threaten the image & identity.
Individuals with observable behavior in conflict with the facade are culled from the herd.
What a person actually thinks is not important,
Who a person actually is, is not important,
What is most important is the facade,
Individual value is based on how well behavior aligns with an unattainable ideal,
How many of us ever felt that we fully lived up to the image?
If we felt we didn’t, we knew the game: uphold the facade.
There are an UNKNOWABLE number people who don’t feel they live up to the expectation, the ideal,
And where we all landed as we participated in the mirage:
Shame.
The core belief that there must be something wrong with us.
Guilt is about what we DO, our actions, our behaviors,
But outward behavior wasn’t the problem, we knew what to do: follow the rules.
Our guilt made us uneasy, but shame quietly undermined our foundation.
This is how, as John Dehlin has said, self-betrayal became the highest sacrament in the LDS church.
The best testimony meeting talks were always about self-betrayal,
And the “blessings” that come from giving over ourselves,
This is why the most important thing I’ve done in my healing journey,
Is to integrate—to be myself inwardly and outwardly, regardless of who I’m with, or where I am.
Integrity threatens the whole thing,
Through integrity, we win.