“Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior
Shame is ‘I am bad’, guilt is ‘I did something bad’”
– Brené Brown
In 2016 I watched a TED Talk with Brené Brown speaking about shame and heard the quote above for the first time—shame contrasted with guilt. This comment got under my skin, and now more than four years later I’m still drawing insight on my experiences, and how shame has informed them.
As soon as I heard those words, I knew that I had been carrying feelings of shame most of my life. The experience of shame is carrying negative feelings about who you are; negative feelings about your being-ness. Whenever we feel it is not okay to be who we are, we are experiencing the feeling of shame. For me, it is the inner voice that whispers: “it’s not okay to be you.”
Shame is something we learn. It is something our culture, the people around us, our sources of entertainment and commercials, and our friends and family imprint upon us. Social media can be a powerful source of shame in our lives. By contrast, imagine a baby born of perfect innocence, placed on a desert island paradise. Iet’s say for the sake of argument that this child could have all their needs met absent of cultural influence and grow to adulthood there. How could this child possibly ever come to know there is anything wrong with who they are? Shame is something we learn from others and circulate back into the people we interact with and influence.
As my sensitivity to the language of shame grows, I often hear people confuse shame with guilt. It’s easy to do. When I hear someone use the word “shaming,” what I think they often mean is “guilting.” I’m happy to see the effects of Brené Brown and others who are helping us wrap our brains around the idea of shame. Differentiating shame from guilt takes practice, and I’m still learning.
Sadly, any religion or social system can play a major part in teaching us there’s something wrong with who we are. Many forms of Christianity recirculate the idea of Original Sin; the idea that we are born flawed and must be fixed through religion. Coincidentally the same religion that announces this flaw is there to “help” us. How can we ever hope to break free of this unhealthy pattern?
Original Sin as we know it was introduced into Christianity when Saint Augustine promoted the teaching, around the year 400. Initially, the Catholic Church resisted the teaching, but the match had been lit. Ponder this: how much damage has that single teaching caused to humanity? I identify as Christian. I like to think I follow an earlier more innocent church—from before that harmful teaching. Thankfully, the Episcopal church gives me space to take it or leave it. I have freedom to use reason; to use the mind I was created with. I have freedom to follow my own divine inner voice. How much good could be done by putting an end to the idea of inherent broken-ness we are taught in religion?
In Mormonism we circulate our own special brand of shame. I am also complicit in this. We taught each other that it isn’t okay to leave the church; that being an ex- or post-Mormon is something bad. Did you catch the way I said that? That is the language we frequently use, and it’s loaded with shame. I said “being an ex-Mormon is not okay.” BEING … is NOT okay. When I typed that sentence it just came out that way! See how easy it is to fall for this language and thinking?
As long as we continue teaching each other that those who are ___(fill in the blank)___ are bad, flawed, or evil, we are recirculating the shame we inherited from the culture around us. How much good in the world could be done simply by reframing how we say things to each other? To ourselves? Just think of the good that can be done in the way we approach gender & attraction diversity.
Being Mormon (being … there it is again, so easy to say) is something that gets wrapped up into our identity. We don’t merely say “I belong to the Mormon Church,” we say “I am a Mormon.” I even remember a song on a record our family had with the lyrics “I’m a Mor-mon, yes I am…” which only made the imprint deeper—telling us all what we are. Identifying too closely with the church, or anything for that matter is a setup for crisis. The crisis comes when change becomes necessary, because we can’t merely choose to leave the church without changing much of our very being-ness in the process.
I was a fighter pilot in the Air Force. This same type of identity crisis happened to me when I had to move on from flying fighters. I had identified with being a fighter pilot; I had weaved it into my identity. Leaving that behind caused a personal crisis I had to confront and manage. I can tell you it was a rough time in my life. A crisis of identity is no picnic, believe me. Look, there it is again—go back and read the first sentence. “I was…” Then I wasn’t, and I had to come into being something new.
The simple truth is that all anyone must be is human. That’s it. That’s ALL. You make decisions, you take actions, you say things—you can have ownership of those things, but everything we pile on top of our identity burdens us immensely. All you are required to be is human. If you feel you need permission to make this shift, here:
“You have my permission to just be human”
With this shift, “I was Mormon, and now I am an ex-Mormon” then can become “I used to be a member in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but I chose to leave.” Doesn’t the latter sound healthier? I know, this subtle shift is much easier said than done for cultural Mormons.
Although I don’t see any way to usher all humanity forth into a shame-free world, we can learn about it and change our behavior. We can teach each other about it. When we experience shame, we can expose it to light and air by speaking our truth. We can help others heal from the shame they experience through love, and non-judgement. (To me, this is the healing miracle Jesus performed time and again in the Gospels, and something we are all capable of.)
I invite you to go back and read this short chapter again. This time pay attention to every time you encounter a “be” verb (i.e.: is, am, are, was, were, be, being, been). Think about the labels you have intertwined with your own identity. Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself and others. Grow in your awareness that shame can be easily be embedded in the language and ideas we share with one another.
By this, is it possible to stop recirculating shame?