THE central narrative of Mormonism is: family is most important. The “eternal family” is the whole point of… everything we said or did as Mormons.
Ironically, now 20+ years after leaving Mormon culture, I have never seen, nor heard of, a subculture of humanity that tears apart more family relationships than Mormonism does. Estrangement seems rampant.
Additionally: it is my experience that as cultural Mormons we didn’t have healthy behaviors modeled for us around grief and loss. Poor coping with loss was an emotional hallmark of my early life in within the orthodox LDS culture of Provo, Utah. The loss of the “Mormon dream” is something I only recently began to fully process and grieve.
Meanwhile: the current never-before-seen rates of “apostasy” within the LDS culture (particularly in my homeland, Utah) is a barrier to healthy relationships on a scale never seen before—leading to an epidemic of profound loss, which the culture is poorly equipped to cope with. The reality of coping with the loss of close—even intimate relationships, falls on the shoulders of the individual, and the family.
This is why, in my experience, grief circulates in the background radiation of every Mormon Story ever told.
Informed consent & buying a car as a microcosm of Mormon structures:
After working through years of healing work post-Mormonism, I better understand why the experience of buying a car in a dealership has always made me uneasy.
Before yesterday, I wasn’t able to really name what I always found unsettling about the experience. I see now—my culture normalized high pressure decisions with poor informed consent… amidst power imbalance.
I spent the first 28 years of my life in Utah Valley.
It was part of the fabric of my culture of origin.
I spent yesterday with my 23 year-old nephew, as he found and purchased his first car. He’s a smart kid—a recent college graduate and newly minted Air Force officer. I wasn’t there to hover over him, but I did feel deeply protective of him.
It was one of those super big dealerships for a major brand… they boasted sales of more than 1,000 cars per month. I never felt that they were dishonest with him, but they were motivated to GET HIM TO MAKE A DECISION, AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE, and… with the least amount of volunteered information on their part.
He had options & had the power to make choices they didn’t tell him about. I found myself intervening to slow things down… to teach my nephew what options he didn’t know he had. I helped him ask questions the dealership didn’t want him to ask. I never took over for my nephew, but I reminded him that he had choices and was empowered to ask questions at every step.
I’m guessing that the dealership wished I wasn’t there.
For decades of my life, I would have FELT GUILTY ABOUT DISRUPTING THE POWER IMBALANCE! That, my friends, is the programming of an unhealthy culture—in our case, of Mormon culture. That is part of the programming I’ve had to work years to undo. It was a big step for me to be able to speak up, instead of just being a bystander, and feeling small while someone I love deeply is under the influence of a power imbalance he may not have the life experience to see. (Incidentally, he was also raised in Utah Valley.)
Once he had made his decision—a slower, more informed decision than the dealership was willing to make space for, I left him alone to sign the paperwork with the finance office, and drove myself home. I woke up this morning, processing the experience.
I share this to illustrate why for so many of us it’s not enough to simply resign from the church. It may not be enough to merely stop identifying as Mormon.
[see link below to Deseret News article, July 24, 1998]
I recently introduced my teenagers to the movie Titanic (’97, James Cameron) and I remembered something so relevant to today, and the post-Mormon space.
(TW: description of movie portrayal of domestic abuse.)
A theater in American Fork, UT, Towne Cinema, offered a “cleaned up” version of the film… in which they clipped from the movie two scenes: one in which Jack sketches Rose nude, lounging on a sofa, and also the scene that implies sex between Jack and Rose in the back seat of a car in the cargo area of the ship.
I thought it fascinating at the time I first read this article (’98), because what was left in the film should have been far more offensive to all of us… but I doubt anyone spoke up.
Rose’s fiancé is totally abusive. His character is the most vile portrayal of manhood I’ve seen on screen. At least, I can’t readily think of anyone worse at this moment. He’s controlling, manipulative, jealous, and completely insecure. He’s physically abusive to Rose–at one point in the movie, he voiolently slaps her across the face, and says (I paused the movie to write this down): “oh, it is a little slut isn’t it…”, an attempt to totally dehumanize her. (Later in the movie, his character uses a terrified child who is not his own to manipulate others into letting him onto a life raft.)
But, that’s all left in the movie, with no one apparently seeing the irony.
We ALL know… the offensive part of that movie (sarcasm intended) was, of course Rose’s nude body, and implied sex. (Sex that is developmentally appropriate, consented to, and without victim–and… pause to reflect a little if your knee-jerk reaction is to say that her betrothed is a victim here.)
I remember when I read this article years ago, when we lived in Orem, UT. I remember that the whole thing put me ill-at-ease, without being able to articulate why.
It was fun to see this forgotton topic come up, and to be able to use it to teach my children about the puritanical culture I was raised in, and what the people of American Fork found offensive… and didn’t. And I’m proud to say that my children understood exactly what the problem was with the idea that a movie could be “cleaned up” by removing naked breasts, while leaving behind 3 hours of domestic abuse.
This to me reveals so much about the Mormon culture’s inability to honor women as equals.
[Comment from Alan: I sent this paper to the Mormonism Live! podcast (Bill Reel & RFM) as a reaction to Mormonism LIVE: 033: President Nelson’s Flight of Death which originally streamed in July, 2021.]
Bill and RFM,
Excellent live episode yesterday! I listened to it after the fact, and I was beside myself–being unable to comment live.
My CV:
I’m a professional pilot with 25+ years experience.
I’m a flying instructor for the Air Force and I teach at the graduate level (I teach future Air Force instructors).
I hold FAA ATP, CFII, MEI and advanced ground instructor ratings
I started teaching flying in 1999, almost 22 years ago
The outcome of the episode, discovery of the CAB write-up on the incident tells it all. Like your caller mentioned, FAA certified air carriers and charter operations are required by federal code to report certain incidents. Catastrophic failure of an engine in flight would certainly be a reportable incident. Not to mention if a fire were involved.
At the close of the episode, Bill did misunderstand the caller, any competent pilot would descend rapidly (not climb) in the event of any indication of fire. The descent serves two purposes. First, getting on the ground ensures that the pilot has the best opportunity to preserve human life in the event of a fire. Second, a rapid descent would increase airspeed (a byproduct of dissipating the potential energy stored as altitude in the case of an airplane), and yes… that additional airflow around the engine could essentially “blow out the candle.” The pilot would have been trained to turn to the nearest suitable airfield and begin a descent in the event of a fire. It’s very rare for aircraft to experience catastrophic failures accompanied with fire. Engines don’t generally “blow up,” they aren’t packed with explosives.
…But the CAB report says this particular airplane was NOT on fire so let’s not dwell on that too long.
We can all agree that the plane did have an engine issue. I think it’s totally reasonable that the pilot would calmly shut down the engine, and as RFM mentioned “feather the prop” on that engine in order to ensure the propeller didn’t cause additional drag. This would be a totally normal thing to do in that particular situation. At cruise parameters of altitude, airspeed, and engine power setting THE PLANE WOULD HAVE FLOWN PERFECTLY WELL as the pilot transitioned from flying on two engines to one. The plane would have yawed a small amount, due to the asymmetrical thrust forces acting on the plane (RFM mentioned this). If you had a cup of coffee (sorry, Postum) in front of you, the liquid would have sloshed over to one side for the remainder of the flight. But let me be clear, there would have been NO FLAMING DEATH SPIRAL as a result of this NON-emergency! Even a pilot with slightly below-average skill could have handled this scenario without drama, even if they weren’t on their A-game that day. As the story was told on the Easter special, the pilot would have had to be incompetent–even if the engine failed unexpectedly, it would NOT have resulted in a spin to the ground, unless the pilot went against literally everything they had been trained to do.
Granted, from the passengers perspective it would have been a little disconcerting to observe one engine STOP spinning, followed by the plane flying with a list created by the asymmetry mentioned above.
Okay, I have to say something about the idea that the plane might have landed in a farmer’s field. Bulls#!t. This isn’t 1924 and this plane isn’t a barnstorming tail-dragger. No professional pilot worth the paper their pilot license is printed on would consider taking the risk associated with landing a multi-engine passenger plane (with one engine still working fine) in a “farmer’s field.” This would have been a great story in 1937, but is absurd with a modern airplane. The higher landing speeds of a multi-engine plane–even a smaller one like the Piper model involved, with landing gear and tires engineered for landing on a prepared surface, would be a recipe for disaster. The plane would likely flip over or lose directional control when the wheels dig into the dirt. I could go on and on with this particular point, but suffice it to say: no, I don’t believe this part of the story, not one bit.
Now, for the idea that the left engine was shut down and needed to be restarted. No, no, and no! You are correct that the engines operate on independent fuel and ignition systems and that shutting down the right engine has no bearing on what the left is doing. I do however have a theory about what the passengers may have perceived happened: during the descent to Delta, the airplane would have needed to descend from cruise altitude, down to landing, at a rate of descent higher than what people are accustomed to. The pilot would have wanted to use a low power setting on the working engine (possibly even ‘idle’), the engine noise in the cabin would have become very quiet during that initial part of the descent. It would have been normal for the pilot to add power as the glidepath to the runway was obtained–shortly before landing. This could reasonably account for the perception that BOTH engines were OFF for a time. I’d say one engine was OFF, and the other was at IDLE. (“Idle” in this sense would be very similar to what we all experience as we sit at a red light with our foot off the accelerator pedal in our cars.)
I’m having so much fun with this. Let me wrap this up with this final thought. As a mental exercise in role reversal, let’s say that as a professional pilot, I had the opportunity to watch a surgeon in action in an operating room. How much of what they were doing would I understand? What if something got off-track for a few minutes, the patient appeared to “crash,” needing a heart massage or some sort of electric jolt from paddles to revive them? How much of that situation would I understand? What if I spent the coming decades of my life embellishing the events, never really understanding what even happened? How could I understand? I’m not a freaking cardiovascular surgeon!
What President Nelson is doing, is essentially the same thing. With arrogance, he is retelling a highly embellished story that almost any pilot would recognize as likely B.S. (Uctdorf, please speak up here!) while every professional pilot within earshot could throw a flag on the field.
Oh, and there’s no historical record of this event ever taking place with even a smidgeon of drama.
“Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior
Shame is ‘I am bad’, guilt is ‘I did something bad’”
– Brené Brown
In 2016 I watched a TED Talk with Brené Brown speaking about shame and heard the quote above for the first time—shame contrasted with guilt. This comment got under my skin, and now more than four years later I’m still drawing insight on my experiences, and how shame has informed them.
As soon as I heard those words, I knew that I had been carrying feelings of shame most of my life. The experience of shame is carrying negative feelings about who you are; negative feelings about your being-ness. Whenever we feel it is not okay to be who we are, we are experiencing the feeling of shame. For me, it is the inner voice that whispers: “it’s not okay to be you.”
Shame is something we learn. It is something our culture, the people around us, our sources of entertainment and commercials, and our friends and family imprint upon us. Social media can be a powerful source of shame in our lives. By contrast, imagine a baby born of perfect innocence, placed on a desert island paradise. Iet’s say for the sake of argument that this child could have all their needs met absent of cultural influence and grow to adulthood there. How could this child possibly ever come to know there is anything wrong with who they are? Shame is something we learn from others and circulate back into the people we interact with and influence.
As my sensitivity to the language of shame grows, I often hear people confuse shame with guilt. It’s easy to do. When I hear someone use the word “shaming,” what I think they often mean is “guilting.” I’m happy to see the effects of Brené Brown and others who are helping us wrap our brains around the idea of shame. Differentiating shame from guilt takes practice, and I’m still learning.
Sadly, any religion or social system can play a major part in teaching us there’s something wrong with who we are. Many forms of Christianity recirculate the idea of Original Sin; the idea that we are born flawed and must be fixed through religion. Coincidentally the same religion that announces this flaw is there to “help” us. How can we ever hope to break free of this unhealthy pattern?
Original Sin as we know it was introduced into Christianity when Saint Augustine promoted the teaching, around the year 400. Initially, the Catholic Church resisted the teaching, but the match had been lit. Ponder this: how much damage has that single teaching caused to humanity? I identify as Christian. I like to think I follow an earlier more innocent church—from before that harmful teaching. Thankfully, the Episcopal church gives me space to take it or leave it. I have freedom to use reason; to use the mind I was created with. I have freedom to follow my own divine inner voice. How much good could be done by putting an end to the idea of inherent broken-ness we are taught in religion?
In Mormonism we circulate our own special brand of shame. I am also complicit in this. We taught each other that it isn’t okay to leave the church; that being an ex- or post-Mormon is something bad. Did you catch the way I said that? That is the language we frequently use, and it’s loaded with shame. I said “being an ex-Mormon is not okay.” BEING … is NOT okay. When I typed that sentence it just came out that way! See how easy it is to fall for this language and thinking?
As long as we continue teaching each other that those who are ___(fill in the blank)___ are bad, flawed, or evil, we are recirculating the shame we inherited from the culture around us. How much good in the world could be done simply by reframing how we say things to each other? To ourselves? Just think of the good that can be done in the way we approach gender & attraction diversity.
Being Mormon (being … there it is again, so easy to say) is something that gets wrapped up into our identity. We don’t merely say “I belong to the Mormon Church,” we say “I am a Mormon.” I even remember a song on a record our family had with the lyrics “I’m a Mor-mon, yes I am…” which only made the imprint deeper—telling us all what we are. Identifying too closely with the church, or anything for that matter is a setup for crisis. The crisis comes when change becomes necessary, because we can’t merely choose to leave the church without changing much of our very being-ness in the process.
I was a fighter pilot in the Air Force. This same type of identity crisis happened to me when I had to move on from flying fighters. I had identified with being a fighter pilot; I had weaved it into my identity. Leaving that behind caused a personal crisis I had to confront and manage. I can tell you it was a rough time in my life. A crisis of identity is no picnic, believe me. Look, there it is again—go back and read the first sentence. “I was…” Then I wasn’t, and I had to come into being something new.
The simple truth is that all anyone must be is human. That’s it. That’s ALL. You make decisions, you take actions, you say things—you can have ownership of those things, but everything we pile on top of our identity burdens us immensely. All you are required to be is human. If you feel you need permission to make this shift, here:
“You have my permission to just be human”
With this shift, “I was Mormon, and now I am an ex-Mormon” then can become “I used to be a member in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but I chose to leave.” Doesn’t the latter sound healthier? I know, this subtle shift is much easier said than done for cultural Mormons.
Although I don’t see any way to usher all humanity forth into a shame-free world, we can learn about it and change our behavior. We can teach each other about it. When we experience shame, we can expose it to light and air by speaking our truth. We can help others heal from the shame they experience through love, and non-judgement. (To me, this is the healing miracle Jesus performed time and again in the Gospels, and something we are all capable of.)
I invite you to go back and read this short chapter again. This time pay attention to every time you encounter a “be” verb (i.e.: is, am, are, was, were, be, being, been). Think about the labels you have intertwined with your own identity. Pay attention to the way you talk to yourself and others. Grow in your awareness that shame can be easily be embedded in the language and ideas we share with one another.
By this, is it possible to stop recirculating shame?
“Most if not all of us over the age of 35 have come to a point in life when the old thing isn’t working for us anymore. We slowly become aware that there is an old way of living or thinking that must die to the new.“
Within Mormonism, I took a lot of things literally. Noah had a literal flood, the earth was created in 6 literal days, Jesus literally rose from the dead and lives in his mortal body.
I didn’t have these thoughts in a vacuum, the church encouraged me to think this way. Many churches do. Often the literal reading of scripture is held as the reading with the highest value. If something actually happened, and the facts were recorded in scripture, then we can say that it is true and therefore Truth, right?
Or, what if Truth was never intended to be reduced to facts. The sky is blue, the ocean is wet, the sun rises. These things are all true, but do they feed the soul with spiritual food when presented as facts? Over the years, I have heard far too many people argue their faith system speaks Truth because their scripture contains facts.
What if the stories and parables told in scripture were never intended to be taken literally? What if a non-literal reading can speak a higher truth to our soul? Here is an example of what I mean (forgive me for the Star Wars reference):
At the beginning of Star Wars (A New Hope, 1977), Luke is living with his aunt and uncle and working on their farm. He’s restless and he daydreams about a life devoted to a higher cause. After meeting Obi-Wan who attempts to convince him to join the rebellion against the evil empire, Luke returns to the farm to find his aunt and uncle murdered by stormtroopers. There is a brief shot in the movie that includes their corpses, burned down to skeletons.
Time for some “normal human growth and development”
Those are the facts. However, do those facts contain the Truth the story is meant to speak to one’s soul? How many of us can relate to coming home to find our family members murdered? Hopefully, none of us can relate to that story at the literal level.
However, many of us can relate to the feeling that Luke is experiencing in that moment. Most if not all of us over the age of 35 have experienced a point in life when the old thing isn’t working for us anymore. We slowly become aware that there is an old way of living or thinking that must die to the new. A part of this awakening is a knowledge that we can’t go back, the only thing we can do is move forward. This is the essence of story being told, and experienced on the spiritual level. The soul’s opportunity to connect with this Truth rests on the symbolic meaning of the story, not the literal.
When someone asks “were Luke’s aunt and uncle really murdered by stormtroopers?,” we have an opportunity to ask in return “what is it about Luke’s story that resonates with us in our own human experience?”
When storytellers attempt to connect you with a feeling, symbolic language is brought into the story. The idea isn’t for you to take that part of the story as fact, the idea is to help you feel something. A good storyteller connects with their audience when the symbols speak to the heart. When everything is spoken of in literal terms, the opportunity for real connection is lost.
What do we lose when religion, meant to speak to the soul, speaks to the brain instead?
A: Speaking about my ancestry, if the dial goes up to 11, I’m an 11.
Several weeks ago, I made a social media post coming out as Mormon (a fact I had kept mostly secret after leaving Utah) so I could be openly post-Mormon for my own healing and growth. When I wrote about my ancestry, I knew my knowledge of the details was hazy. At that time, I knew of three prominent Mormon pioneer ancestors but wondered if there are more. This curiosity led me to familysearch.org to learn more.
There are more—many, many more. I had no idea just how utterly, completely, and thoroughly Mormon my family is. We are at the center of the stronghold. Here is a brief sketch of my deep dive into my family’s Mormon-ness. (Forgive me for a post that is slightly longer than I’d like to keep on average, but the info is what it is… I’ll attempt to keep it brief!)
Knowing that I was born into an orthodox family in Provo, the question I wanted answered was: how far back do I need to go to find a convert? To find someone who was NOT? I found other interesting things along the way. Assuming I count as a “generation,” I am a seventh generation Mormon.
The first converts to Mormonism in my family are my GGGG-grandparents (seventh gen), who go back to the earliest years of the church. Of the 64 ancestors in this generation, 13 of them relocated to Utah or Nauvoo, IL in the course of their life (and are buried there). Five of those ancestors emigrated from Europe (England and Switzerland), making the epic “whole enchilada” trek across the Atlantic and across the plains by human and/or animal power to the Salt Lake Valley (pre-transcontinental rail). Some of these ancestors were quite old during this trek, Johannes Gerber (Sr., b:1769) was 84 when he arrived in the Salt Lake Valley. He died in Salt Lake City only days after his arrival in Zion.
Of my sixth-generation Mormon ancestors, I knew of three before doing any research. In this generation (GGG-grands), 15 of 32 lived in the Mormon realm. Eight of these ancestors emigrated from Europe (England, Switzerland, Denmark, and Scotland). Of these 15, at least 10 migrated before the railroad was an option (pre-1869, based on birth dates of their children known to be born in Utah and Nauvoo). One was born in Nauvoo (Susan Holman). In this generation I found some Mormon fame. There are five ancestors in this generation who I have found are noteworthy, four are from my mother’s paternal side… so all four of my GGG-grandfathers on the Jacob side of my mother’s family are included here:
– Norton Jacob migrated in the Brigham Young Vanguard company, arriving in Salt Lake Valley in 1847. Norton was also an electioneer in Joseph Smith’s 1844 presidential campaign (yes, presidential campaign…). Norton’s dad Udney Hay Jacob was one of the 13 mentioned in the generation above.
– John Gerber, born in Bern, Switzerland, was a founder of Midway, UT. The Gerber family is part of the Swiss heritage of that area. Many of us are familiar with the Midway Swiss Days festival. I didn’t know I had a connection to that heritage until yesterday. His father, also Johannes, was part of the generation above and is buried in Salt Lake City.
– Benjamin Franklin Johnson was a private secretary to Joseph Smith and a member of the church’s Council of Fifty. In Utah, he served 14 terms in the State Legislature. Somewhat scandalously, his sister Delcena was a plural wife of Joseph Smith’s before polygamy was doctrinal in the Mormon church. His father Ezekiel, part of the generation above, died in Nauvoo.
– Charles Crismon was a founding settler of Mesa, AZ, gaining a foothold for roughly 250,000 church members living in Maricopa County Arizona today.
my Jacob, Gerber, Johnson, and Crismon ancestors
– Ephraim Knowlton Hanks is a folk hero of the Mormon migration. He led the rescue of the Martin and Willy handcart companies from the blizzard that trapped them on the trail, freezing and starving to death in Wyoming in October 1856. Ephraim’s Rescue is a movie based around this event. He is the only ancestor I mention from my dad’s side.
Ephraim K. Hanks (senior)
The man, the myth, the legend… Great-great-great-grandpa Ephraim (photo stolen from Wikipedia, don’t tell…)
Enough kidding around folks, in my fifth generation (GG-grands) things get serious. One hundred percent of my ancestors in this generation (16/16) were in the Mormon realm! Birth years in this generation range from 1823 to 1867. By the end of 1891, every one of my great-great-grandparents were Mormon and living within the cultural footprint. This generation brings the last of my emigrant ancestors from Sweden, Scotland, England, and Denmark to the territory.
As of 1900, all eight of my fourth-generation ancestors were alive in Utah, Maricopa County AZ, and southeastern Idaho. These are my great-grandparents.
My four grandparents were born between 1908 and 1915 in Holladay & Murray, Utah; Shelley, Idaho; and Phoenix, Arizona.
The Mormon story of my family continues to this day. My wife is also a descendant of Mormon pioneers, among them is John D. Lee. Her ancestors settled southern Utah. Our children are eighth generation Mormons. Although my wife and I are no longer part of the church, we are very much a product of the culture of Utah Mormonism. The influence of the church during our youth continues to today. We are raising our children outside the church, but it’s part of who we are, and undeniably part of who our kids are, and will become.
How culturally Mormon am I? Very, extremely, utterly, completely, and totally… Mormon. As much as I have done to live apart from the church, this is why it follows me, and fascinates me.
(A brief note about my method: I don’t know all of the ancestral stories about each person’s conversion, if someone was born or died in Utah, southeastern Idaho, or Maricopa County Arizona, and their progeny include relatives I know were/are Mormon, I included them as church members.)
Okay, I know some of us experience anxiety about flying. Bear with me here, I’d like to make an analogy that I think has value.
I’m a professional pilot. When certain emergencies (however unlikely) occur, a trained pilot knows what to do. Like a surgeon in an operating room, training kicks in when certain things happen.
Aircraft engines have built-in fire detection systems that are extremely reliable. If an engine fire warning happens in-flight, any competent pilot will immediately shut down the engine, isolate it from the rest of the aircraft, and discharge an extinguisher to put out the fire. This is basic stuff. At the time of the fire, it doesn’t matter what caused the warning to happen. It’s not important if a cracked fuel nozzle, or mis-aligned fuel system component, or hole in the turbine section caused the warning to go off. At that point in the flight, it’s irrelevant.
Here is what matters. The captain and co-pilot work together to identify the problem, shut down the engine, and turn the aircraft to the nearest airport with a runway long enough for the plane they are flying to safely land. The details can be sorted out later. The mechanics and engineers can go through the particulars. Until then, safety is assured by immediate actions taken by the flight crew, as soon as the emergency happens.
After leaving the Mormon church, I have a love-hate relationship with the details. There are times when I can’t get enough of the church’s history problems, the doctrinal inconsistencies, or the interpersonal injuries I experienced in the church. And then I step back and ask myself how much any of that matters. Did I ever feel fully worthy while I was in the church? Was I treated in a Christ-like manner when I expressed doubt?
Did it matter in that moment why the fire light was on? Was the important thing what I did in response?
[Below is a social media post I made in August of 2020 after hiding my Mormon upbringing for decades. In order to move forward with my own spiritual and personal growth, I had to “include and transcend.” It’s a process, I’m still working on all of this. Many of my friends and colleagues had no idea, several of them are active Mormons.
… It also happens to make a nice introduction to my blog. Here:]
D. Todd Christofferson is my uncle. Elder Christofferson’s wife Kathy is my mom’s little sister. To me, they are “Uncle Todd & Aunt Kathy.”
If you know who he is, you might care to know that I am Mormon, meaning I’m a descendant of 170+ years of Mormon ancestry and culture. I was born into an orthodox Mormon family in Provo, Utah. Our heritage goes back to the first years of the Mormon migration. Ephraim Knowlton Hanks, a folk hero of the church is a great-grandfather of mine. Many of my beloved are all-in members of the church and I love and respect them (you) all. I claim my Mormon past as a part of my history, and a significant part of who I am.
As a young adult, I left the church emotionally and intellectually. For 16 years I remained a member by name only, without setting foot in church. In 2003 I finally resigned my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. In 2018 I was baptized & confirmed into the Episcopal Church after 28 years of being non- and somewhat anti-religious.
It may be difficult to understand why I’m saying this today after all these years. The short answer is: being open about my past has become necessary for my personal spiritual and psychological growth. The shame and social trauma I experienced leaving the church kept me silent for three decades. I knew of no support groups for people who doubted their faith in Utah Valley in the 80’s and 90’s (no internet). Those who doubted or left the church lived in the shadows of the culture, it was very lonely. Leaving the church may have been the most courageous thing I’ve ever done. I have the right to talk about it.
If you are a friend, and can no longer call yourself my friend, I understand. If you are family, I’m sorry for any hurt this may cause you. Again, I understand. I mean no harm; my only motive is that of healing. I wish you all love, contentedness, and peace.
